He's Got Issues
by V the Happy Lurker
Summary: . What happens when Duo is 'hired' to dig up the dirt on Trowa? Nothing but TROUBLE!Sequel to 'My Brother's Keeper'


Okay, since you all have requested it, here is the sequel to '**My Brother's Keeper'**. It isn'tsupposed to be humorous, so don't go into this assuming I'm going to treat this like some silly filler fic! No sir-re-bob! No silliness here! Nope. None. Nada. Zip. Absolute Drama!

As V-chan is saying that, a group of chibis [Vrumgumen, Zangalus, Zelgadiss, Kusanagi, Gourry, Xellos, Goten, Trunks, #17,Duo, Valgav, Kopii Rezo,Murasaki, Chaine, andSamson] come out and began to dance in a chorus linein front of her while**The Funny Fishman Song** plays in the background. She looks at them in shock, then bows her head in defeat as a large sweat drop forms at her temple.

Just forget that last part, folks….

**He's Got Issues…**

Catherine finished writing out a check, slipping it into an envelope along with a short letter and quickly sealed it shut. She put the envelope into her purse to mail later, then picked up the large, padded FedEx envelope sitting at her elbow and went into the living room.

Glancing at the door to her brother's room, she couldn't stop wondering where he had run off to this time. She remembered vividly the weird incident last week when she had woke up to find, of all people, that sneaky little rich boy here, sitting at the kitchen table and having a cup of coffee with her brother. She asked them what was going on, but all she got was a blank stare [her bro] and a hasty apology [blondie]. After he left, Catherine tried to pry an answer from her reluctant Trowa and received silence and more blank stares. 'I just hope this will have some answers.' She crossed her fingers. 'Oh, please don't let it be anything bad.' Taking a deep breath, Catherine opened the envelope and put the tape it contained in the VCR. 

The screen was snowy for a moment, then the room came into focus. There was a dresser with a mirror pushed up against the wall, both of which were covered by various wall scrolls, posters, action figures, artbooks, and other doodads from a variety of movies, comics, video games, and animes. To the right of the dresser was a door through which a bruised, battered, and very wore outDuo Maxwell limped into view. He made his way to the camera, which was set up on his desk next to the computer, and painfully sat down. 

"Good morning, Miss Bloom." He quipped sarcastically, then points to his blackened right eye. "You may be wondering why I look like I've been through hell and back, aren't you?" There was a pause, as if he expected her to answer. "Well, let me just say that this is mostly your fault! If you hadn't **ordered **me to keep tabs on Tro for you in the first damn place…we'll get to that later, though. For now, let's just hope the payment you're sending me can cover the bill for one severely sprained ankle…" The braided youth reached into the desk drawer and withdraws a shoebox, a baggie with several rolls of film in it, and a couple of photographs. "When you 'hired' me, you told me to find out who the girl Trowa's seeing is." He snickers evilly. "Well, guess what sugars: That 'girl' isn't a girl at all. Allow me to elaborate on this a bit." Duo holds up one of the photos. It's an exact copy of the one at Trowa's bedside. "Now, at first glance, this looks like a chick, right? EEEEEENNNNIT! (Annoying buzzer noise.) Wrong!" He whips the other out and holds it alongside the first. This one is of Quatre, dress in his normal outfit, seated in a position nearly identical to the 'girl's'. "I thought you might have at least recognized who this was by the face. I know I did. But you didn't ask me for my opinion did you? Don't worry if you can't see these too clearly at the moment. I got a better way to show 'em." He turns to the keyboard and fiddles around for a second.

The screen goes blank, then comes back on with an enlarged view of the photos side by side. Over the camera mike, Duo continues to speak. 

"As you can see, the picture on the right is obviously of one Quatre Reba…Rheaboo…Ruh-eba…Dammit! Forget that! It's Quatre, okay?!" He snorts and mutters something under his breath before going on. "Anyway, the other is the afore mentioned 'mystery blonde.' Notice any similarities? No? Here let me show you a couple..." With a click of the mouse, thousands of small arrows and marks appear overlaid on the photos. "To be honest," Duo sneered in mock bewilderment. "I only found one or two minor things they had in common. Geez, woman! No one can be dense enough **not** to see that this is clearly Winner! 'But wait just a minute!' You say. 'Isn't this proof that the girl is one of Q-man's sisters?' Yeah, sure it is…and I'm a fucking Peacecraft! But don't just take my word for it! There's more to that roll of film than just that one picture." As he fiddles with the computer, Duo addresses her causally. "Cathy, if you're trying to figure out where I got a copy of that picture, all I can say is that I happened to 'borrow' a few of the negatives Trowa took while he was on that…eh, 'skiing trip' last year. Actually, he spent more time in the cabin by the fire with a certain, golden-haired snow bunny, if you catch my drift… Ah! These will make it easier to understand." 

At that, a series of pictures appear on the screen. Duo clicks slowly through the slide show. Most of them are of a small blonde playing in the snow, building a snowman, or just goofing off, but there's one ofTrowa making a snow angel with an abnormally happy expression on his face.

"These are just a few of the cuter ones. Note that there are only two, count them, **two** people in who show up in all these photos. It's the same for all the other pictures that were taken. Now, Cathy, I hope you ready for the next part."

The screen flashes to the next slide. There's only one large image on it.

Catherine nearly faints when she sees it.

The picture is of one rumpled Quatre in a towel, standing at the sink and brushing his teeth. In the mirror, a smiling Trowa with a camera in hand behind him. And, from the flustered look on the blonde's face, that seems to be the only thing he was wearing.

Again, the screen goes blank and we're back to Duo. He has a smug smirk on his face as he leans back in the chair. 

"Yes, that's right, honey: Your dear little Nanashi was alone, in an isolated cabin, with another boy. Hmmm…Sounds like the set up of yet another sappy, lemony yaoi fic, doesn't it?" [Hint-Hint, my darling readers. ^_^] 

Recovering from her shock, Catherine glares at the TV. "That-that can't be true! I knew you'd have your mind in the gutter when you put this together. They're just friends! It certainly isn't what you're saying it is!"

"Heh. I guess we're in denial right now, aren't we?" Duo smirk widens as he purrs out the words.  
She blinks in amazement at his anticipation of her reaction and sits back down. 

"If you think that was bad, then you might want to stop the tape right now." He winks devilishly into the camera. "It only gets worse." He waits for a second, then opens the shoebox and digs around in it before producing a Polaroid. Duo holds it up to the camera.

It's of Trowa laying on his side, naked, with only a sheet draped over his hips. Around his neck is a collar with a heart-shaped tag on it and there's a pair ofcat 'ears' on his head. He has the leash clench in his teeth. The look in his eyes is intense and hungry. Written on the bottom, in neat, graceful handwriting, are the words: 'Mon chat petit.'

"Mon chat petit; my little kitten. Hmm…." Duo murmured. "That's not something one normally sends to 'just a friend.'" He sighs and shakes his head. "I kind of have the feeling that you probably believe this to be a doctored photograph, right?"

Catherine nods her head.

"If you want some real evidence, just take a peek in your bro's closet. I bet ten to one, he's got some pictures of Quatre stashed away in the back somewhere. But wait until you finish the tape to go see, 'cause there's a lil' something extra on it for you. This special bonus footage will explain how I got all beaten up." 

Suddenly, Duo's beaming face fades out and the screen goes black. Slowly, a title appears in bold, red letters.:

******"Welcome to Shinigami's Wild World of YAOI!"**

**Directed, narrated, and produced by: Duo Maxwell**

**Co-editor and co-producer: Candy Renniw ******

****The title fades to another image of Duo, now perfectly healthy and quite contented looking, seating at a desk in a large library [ala 'Rocky Horror']. Smiling, he looks into the camera. He's wearing his normal priest outfit. 

Duo, affecting a cheesy British accent. "Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to 'Shinigami's Wild World of YAOI!' Tonight, we are going to take a glimpse at the mating habits of the reclusive Tritonis Nanashi Bloomus, commonly known as 'Trowa Barton.'"

The scene changes to a brightly lit kitchen, where we see the aforementioned Tritonis Nanashi Bloomus packing a picnic with Quatre.

Duo is speaking in a hushed whisper. "Here, we find him preparing for a romp in the forest with his preferred 'playmate,' the timid Quatre R. Winneris. (In the background, you can hear him trying to stifle a laugh.)"

The camera pans after them as they walk out the door. There's a brief pause in the tape, then the scene shifts to a shady, woodland path. Slowly, we see the love birds stroll up the path, hand in hand.

"Ah, notice how the taller boy clasps the hand of his diminutive companion tightly. (The camera zooms in on their hands.) The significance of this apparently simple gesture is the reaffirmation of the pair bond between these two. It is an action which states to any observer that simply screams 'He is MINE, thank-you-very-much!'"

They stop at a clearing. Quatre spreads out the quilt and they lay down on it. The Latino youth pulls out a bottle and a pair of paper cups.

"It appears that Trowa is attempting to show his affections by offering his mate something to drink." Zooms in on the label, revealing it to be large bottle of 'Yagermiester.' "What the fuck?! *Drops the accent.* That son-of-a-bitch has been holding out on me!" Zoom to the basket full of food and munchables. "And they've been raiding my snack stash too! Grrr…

*Back to Duo Powers, International Death God of Mystery.* 'AHEM!' It would appear that this offering may be one of the many methods employed by males worldwide to get into their significant other's pants. Hehe…I really hope so, cause this video needs some shagging in it…"

The camera pans back some so that our lovely young couple, snuggling and drinking a bit. Several minutes pass as they just seat there in silence. 

"Geez…you'd think the Yagermiester would have kicked in by now! Come, boys! Let's see some ACTION!"

As if on cue, Trowa begins nibbling on the blonde's earlobe, making Quatre giggle in delight. Gradually, they go from just nuzzling to some serious heavy petting as they fall back onto the blanket. The way the light is shining on them, it looks like a scene from a soft-core porno. 

"Yeah…that's right. (Heavy breathing.)"

The camera shifts slightly as Duo readjusts his position. In doing so, he steps on a twig, causing it to snap. Immediately, Trowa's head snaps up and he glares wrathfully at the trespasser.

"Oh shit." There's the sound of running feet and someone in hot pursuit. It looks like something out of Blair Witch, and the whole time you can hear Duo screaming: "OH SHIT! OH SHIT-FUCKING-HELL! HE'S GOING TO KILL ME!!!!!" 

Suddenly, he trips and crashed into the ground, sending the camera flying. It lands in a pile of leaves, sawing a fallen Duo Maxwell being mauled by one extremely pissed Tritonis Nanashi Bloomus before finally sputtering out. 

After a second or two of snow, the picture comes back. Duo is laying on a couch in a very nice looking apartment, looking like he has just been run over by a truck. He stares feebly up at the camera. "Hey Candy, is it on?"

"Yep. I think so."

"Good." Clearing his throat, the pummeled God of Death attempts to smile. "As you can see, Tritonis Nanashi Bloomus is highly aggressive and territorial creature. Unfortunately, I found this out the hard way…Well, this brings us to the end of our program. I hope you have enjoyed this edition of 'Shinigami's Wild World of YAOI!' Good night."

The screen goes black then to snow.

Catherine stops the tape and picks up the phone book. She quickly scans for the number, then grabs the phone off the side table. 'God, I hope this works…'

~*~*~

Oi! I know this wasn't a very good, but it's just the beginning of this fic. I'll try not to make you wait too long for the next part, but I can't promise anything. There still so many other fics I've go to finish…


End file.
